Wow

I just reread that.

Vassar isn't that bad. Many of the people here are great. The whole hospital thing was a big kick in the face. Like has made me anti-social and uncomfortable around most. I mean I'll get over it. Some of my friends had no idea went to the hosptial. Not everyone here is like that. I have greatly enjoyed the people I've met here and enjoyed my time here.

Either way it still isn't Smith.

Longest Time I've ever gone without writing

I usually don't write in this thing when I can't handle life. That means yes friends, I've been a little on the crazy side of life these past few months. Many reasons.

1) I don't do transitions well. I had many this semester. New school. New classes. New long distance relationships (because try as I might they are unavoidable). I just don't do "new" very well. I like things staying the same. Even if in retrospect they are shitty. I would rather keep that then change.

2) Work. I had a mild breakdown about economics because I'm having trouble in Microeconomic Theory. Econ has always come easily to me and yes this did freak the shit out of me. Many a panic attack.

3) The real world is becoming a very real prospect. I've got less that four hundred days to find a  place to live and a job to bide my time until grad school. It's so scary to think that my college career is almost 3/4 over.

4) I don't do variables well. Not knowing things seriously upsets me. I have no plan for this summer and will probably end up working at a temp job. Jake might come to stay. Notice the "maybe"s, "probably"s and "might be"s all terms I do not enjoy and just increase my anxiety.

5) Everyone I'm uber close to is at a minimum of 2 hours away. I don't approve.

This semester has had many ups and downs.

Highest high: Meeting new friends and getting to party like first year again. (as all my friends are infact first years....damn I'm old....and just that cool.

Lowest low: Getting a brain contusion and having to coax one person here to go to the hospital with me. Literally coax. And as nice as she sometimes seemed. She was bitching about it the whole time. It made me miss Smith more than I thought I could. When I had to go to the hospital last semester, my friends couldn't figure out who should go....so they all went. It was just a big reminder that Vassar isn't my home, and that I don't actually belong here. I want to go home.

Problem is: Not going back to Smith until August.

And the person that makes me feel the most at home isn't returning from Australia until late June. Bah.

It's been a frustrating semester and overall a pretty shitty year. Let's hope senior year is much, much better. This year has actually been so shitty it actually directly compares to my senior year of highschool. Sad. I hoped to never have to relive the bullshit that was that time period. Whatevs. Senior year bodes well even though I'll be extremely busy.

KC folk: Most likely returning to KC and get ready for this...Jake is gonna be there for awhile as well.

Everybody's Just a Stranger, but that's the danger in going my own way

I've come to terms with semester. It was necessary. It was required. I needed to be away from Smith. I hadn't realized the rut I was in until just now. I was just stagnant. I still feel stagnant. I don't really know how to come back to me. It's wierd for the last three weeks I've felt so much less vibrant. Like I was living in a dream or something. It's like I'm living a life but I'm already dead. I don't really know how this came to be. I'm not sure if it is the new situation or the fact that I was so stuck in the old one.

I feel like with Spring Break coming I'll rebound. I'm just not sure though. It's also been really tough because I've been rejected by every internship I've applied for. I don't know what happened. I used to be highly desirable candidate. Did mono just fuck me over for life? Not sure. Hopefully I'll work something out so I can be with Jake over the summer. I feel my lack luster world is somewhat contributed to not being able to contact him. He just makes things a little brighter. I hate being one of those girls though. As much as I do love my boyfriend, I don't like contacting him having this much weight in my day to day life. Bah. Not much I can do to change it.

So I'm going to go back to studying for my exam so I can stop flunking this class. That's right flunking. Not in the overachiever term either. I'm talking not having above a 60% in a class. Where the hell did I go?

:(

Jake left.

Me no likey.

It's fine. I can do distance. At least this one has an end to it. After mid-June we won't have to be apart anymore. (Thank god.)

School is okay.

I sang with Choraliers this weekend. It was alright. It was cool seeing/hanging out with Renee again. Other than that, I don't really want to talk about it.

Vassar is good. Learning is good. Internship process is slow.

Sleep is going to be amazing.